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Where do I start?

Hi guys,

I am creating this Blog for so many reasons. One is just to get my feelings out of my head. Another is to share my story with others, you might judge me. But, sometimes you just want to get it all out. Hopefully I continue doing this, and don’t give up, like I seem to do a lot. I guess only time will tell. Well lets get started.

A little about me. I am 25 years old. I have a 3 year old little boy, who likes to think he is 13. And  I have another one on the way, a little girl. I am 30 weeks pregnant and I am done being pregnant. I am currently a single mom, which is far from easy. I am defiantly not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. But I guess are any of us? One thing about me also is I cant spell. And probably don’t use the best grammar. So if you continue reading my story don’t be surprised .

As far as family goes, I am not close with pretty much everyone in my blood line. I haven’t talked to my mother since the day I turned 18. And my father is probably laying drunk on the side of the rode somewhere. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother on my mothers side, and 2 sisters on my fathers side. I really only keep in contact with my older sister, we have come a long way. I bet you are wondering what in the hell happened. That’s for a later time.

A lot of what you’re going to read will be about my past. Which will give some explanation of the choices I have made that has effected my present. And hopefully will learn from,to create a better future. You will learn I will probably be a little all over the place as well. It doesn’t help I’m pregnant, my emotions are all over the place anyways.

Well, I guess that’s what you should know before I start to tell you my story. I hope some people will be able to relate. Or even realize that they can over come a lot, even if they feel like they cant right now. Also, if you feel like this could help anyone else, please share my story with them. Hope you enjoy, good bye for now.

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As Far back as I can Remember

Lets start as far back as I can remember. 

(I will be changing names for privacy.)

I think I was around 3 when my mother met my step dad Doug. I’m pretty sure she meet him while she was stripping, super classy right? At first from what I can remember he wasn’t so bad. I remember him giving me a Power Ranger sleeping bag one year for Christmas. That changed over the years, but again that’s for later. We lived with my grandmother (my dad’s mother) so she could watch me while my mother went to work. Well that’s what I knew at the time. My older sister Beth wasn’t living with us during this time, she was in Utah with my grandparents (my mothers parents). Again at the time I didn’t know why. But I knew it was just me with them for a while.

Let’s jump forward a little. Shortly after my mother married my step dad, and she got pregnant with my little sister, Lily. It’s honestly very hard to remember a lot of that time just because I was so young. I know at some point Beth, finally came back to live with us and it was pretty good for a while. Until Doug went to Prison, he got arrested for trying to transport drugs across the border. And I remember my mother laying on the couch crying at night because she was so upset. I know she ending up working a lot more because he was gone. And all of us sisters where with my grandmother a lot more.

When I was around 6 when Doug got out of prison and that’s when it started to go down hill. He was totally different when he came back. My grandmother moved out shortly after him coming back, I’m guessing because he was such an Ahole. My mother and him argued a lot, and he started hitting my mother, my older sister and I. Never my younger sister,  of course because she was so young. But even as the years went on, he wound never lay a hand on his own child.

Discipline was pure torture or so I thought at the time. But if I knew how bad it was going to get I would have thought this was cake. Whenever Beth and I would get in trouble we would have to do wall sits. If you don’t know what this is. It’s when you sit against a wall like you are sitting on a chair. Sometimes we would have to do that for hours at a time. I remember us both crying to get off the wall.And Doug and my mother would just be watching us on the couch, while watching t.v, mostly just watching t.v. Mind you I was around 6 and Beth was 10. Wall sits would happen when we were just a little in trouble. I know you what your thinking, “that isn’t so bad”. If you are are to the wall, put your back against it and bend your knees as if your sitting in a chair. Okay, now do it for 30min, if you can. Imagine having to do that for HOURS.

I know right now it doesn’t seem bad,and that’s a good thing right? But we haven’t moved yet. This is what I could remember at this house, when it wasn’t so bad. Eventually, we moved to a rich neighborhood and that’s where it felt like we were living in pure hell. This is honestly the easy part of my childhood.

NEXT POST: MOVING INTO THE VALLEY